Look, Canada, I know you’ve always said that you’re comfortable with your agency of record, and who wouldn’t be?

You’ve had a good run of it so far: 143 years. The company is strong. Your consumers are some of the happiest in the world. And they stick with the company lifestyle on average almost three years longer than their U.S. counterparts (even longer for your female employees). But let’s face it—your brand is in trouble. You’ve cut out several of your more notable pro bono initiatives. Your federal politicians are featured unfavorably in the news more than fashionista celebutants like Adam Giambrone. Even the weather seems to be conspiring against you.

Canada, it’s time for a change.

First things first, we have to deal with your jingle. Focus groups have reported a decline in consumer satisfaction with the song’s gender-specific language, and I think these numbers indicate that you’re in for a rude awakening.

You adopted the jingle in 1913—and in those days your target demographic was totally different. Back then, you were appealing to the idealistic all-thy-sons-in-top-hats segment (and I always thought your target was too narrow); but your target audience has shifted during these past 100 years. Recent Forrester, Inc. reports are showing that you’re sitting on a heavy 51% females-without-top-hats market. They’re growing bored and disinterested because your jingle doesn’t even mention them.

Also, and I’m going to have to be honest with you about this—the very idea of the jingle is out. “O Canada” was great 20 years ago. But this is the 21st Century. It’s time to follow the trends, license some popular music and leverage it against your brand. There’s a young Canadian musician just starting his career, and I think he’d be perfect. His name is Stephen Harper. He has a day job, of course, but that’s alright because I hear he can take time off whenever he feels like it.

Let’s talk about your visual brand identity. Most important, the red maple leaf logo. It’s flat. It’s boring. This is the digital age of advertising, and your brand-mark is like print media: obsolete. Frankly Canada, and I’m only trying to help, you need to update your look. Leaves are history; when’s the last time your consumers saw a living tree? Why not incorporate something contemporary and relevant to Canada, like a car, or a spaceship, or a perpetual motion machine, or the Stanley Cup?

Actually, never mind that last one.

I also think it’s time you went the extra step and tried something groundbreaking. Have you thought about viral marketing? The U.S. had a great campaign with their “Weapons of Mass Destruction” ARG (alternate reality game), and look at the publicity it garnered them. Everybody’s still talking about it, even seven years later.

You’ve made some progress on the world stage in recent weeks, and I think this is the perfect time to unleash a new brand image. If you entrusted your business to me, I’d update your logo, I’d update your music, and I’d even update all of your celebrities with younger counterparts.

I’ve already replaced William Shatner with Chris Pine, and Leonard Cohen with K.D. Lang, and most people didn’t even notice.

I’ve developed a full 216-paged proposal for your company’s new identity. Let me know if you want to read it whenever you’re done cleaning up Vancouver.

And Canada, remember above all else that people are looking for a positive attitude. Have a look at the slogan I’ve developed for you: “It’s not ‘Canada’; it’s just ‘Can.’”